All my mornings are Mondays stuck in an endless February

Thanks Taylor

The last time I wrote a post here, I was full of hope for Spring.

Then Spring finally sprung and it didn’t make any difference to the heartbreak of losing my dad, the worry of dwindling work and all those other fun worries we all share. My brain feels like it’s stuck, the world keeps on turning but I’m stuck in this endless loop of sadness that I cannot escape from.

I’ve tried every trick in my toolbox, eventually increasing my dose of anti-depressants. Granted, I don’t feel desperately sad anymore but that’s because I don’t feel any feelings right now and sometimes I don’t know if that’s better or worse. My 34th birthday is on the horizon and I’m filled with despair that I won’t get to talk to my dad, open a card or eat the obligatory cupcakes he always bought for me. My birthdays are never big affairs but there’s something about this year that makes me want to skip the entire thing entirely. I don’t want to have to deal with a day that’s a constant reminder that I’ve got no living parents and I’ll never get to experience their love again.

I thought I was *somewhat* mentally prepared to lose my dad. I knew it was going to happen soon, he was older with seriously declining health so it felt like it wasn’t so unfair like the loss of my mum at just 44.

But I wasn’t

No amount of mental preparation was going to help me in the situation, you can’t plan how to grieve much to my brain’s annoyance. I thought because I’d already been through this once that I’d be somewhat ok but I’m such a different person now and have a fully formed frontal lobe. Time is what I need, and every day I get up and start again because the world will never slow down no matter how much I want it to.

Everything you ever read about grief will tell you how personal it is and that time is the only healer and I know that to be true. The grief doesn’t get any smaller but you do grow around it and it’s always a part of you as the pain of that loss never goes away no matter what you’re grieving for whether it’s a person or a life you thought you’d have.

I’m hopeful for the true warmer months and I’m sure my days will continue to be accompanied by Taylor Swift because TTPD couldn’t have come at a better time for me.

Rebecca x